tired...

too tired staying @ hm.....need my bloody own space & time...*aaargggh*

down memory lane..

looking down d road i've taken,i've come to realize dat there's nothing dat i ever regret doing or nt doing in my life.....

even if wat i've done may be d biggest mistakes in my life,i believe dats wat makes me who and wat i am nw....stronger than who i was b4....my life may nt b picture perfect,it may nt even hv a happy ending bt i noe i hv live my life to the fullest...i don tink anybody hv d right to judge me...i may look bad on d outside but dat does nt determine who i am on d inside....i've managed to raise elfiqa to b who she is today.....people may say she's naughty or watsoever but isn't dat wat kids is all about......i believe as long as she doesn't cross d line,she noes how to respect d elders,she is already more then wat i xpect of her...i've seen other kids which is much more worse by nature....dat is why i'm thankful and proud of fiqa....and no...my job does nt end here...still a long way to go to nurture my 2 kids to b a better person....im sure they r nt a mirror image of who me and my hubby is....so ppl dun look at our kids and think they r going to turn out d exact ways as we r.....we managed to change our ways for d sake of dis beautiful gifts frm allah......we r going to treasure them cause we noe they r d most precious things in our life.....1 thing i'm proud of wif myself & hubby is dat we managed to overcome d obstacles of being parents and we do nt neglect our responsibilities as one....which im sure even ppl who look better off on d outside r actually neglecting theirs.......so hubby.....thx 4 being there even when we r down & out.....thx 4 being a responsible father eventhough u may seem lazy at times....& thx 4 all d love u've given us.....materials in life r jus temporary...love & joy r wat is permanent......so laugh ur heart out ppl.....we r one and will always stay as one....

*lost*

*haiz*...tired,tired,tired...penat seh ....sape ckp duduk uma tk penat?i tink its more tiring being a full-time housewife...if i could make a choice,i'll rather go out to work...but wat to do...ank2 tkde org nk jaga...at least,penat kt work,alik da leh rest...bt nw...the work seems to b neverending....cuma d reward dat i'll get is to watch my 2 darlings grow up in front of me....at times,i feel stressful taking care of 2 kids on my own..mmg la kdg2 org ckp baru 2 ank,bt its a different thing when they r in front of ur eyes every single minute...take things in my stride,i must say..raya is juz round the corner....xcited la...ada new addition 2 our family..baju raya pn da beli.....yay!!!da jad mcm kakak plak xcited bt at d same time......sad.....abah is no longer wif us...slalu raya,jmp abah bag lauk,bag kuih raya bt nw.....give to mak je.....miss him so...if only he was still wif us then bleh tgk elfi...juz d other day,i felt like he was here wif me...perasaan ke apa pn tk tau la....bt i really felt his presence.....tried to go to sleep bt unsuccessful...al-fateha to arwah abah.....can't bear to think of celebrating dis raya without him.....

been so long........

been so long since i last update my blog...haiz..

bz ke penat pn tk tau....lag2 da bulan ramadan ni...

time is juz too short...fills up all the gap..hubby went 4

interview @ PSA....alhamdulillah,at last his heart opens up

to find a better job...maybe da reach 24 baru mind terbukak tk...

didn't noe wat to give him 4 his birthday...so buat surprise la konon,

invite MIL & hubby's relatives over to buka together...elfi is growing real fast,

he plays a lot and eats lots...hahaha...kakak is nw learning how to sembahyang...

alhamdulillah....loves it when i watch dis 2 siblings bond together...hope they can b this loving even when they grow up and take their own path....loves my fam tooo much dat i can't bear to see everything falls apart....hope this ramadan can bond my family closer and helps us cross

all d hurdles in life...insya'allah....

attemp to make baklava...

kakak is back frm jb...yahoo!!!!miss her soooooo much.....

decided to try out d recipe i got frm d net...tried BAKLAVA @

Arab Street wif d cuzzins..it was damn xpensive...

$6.50 for 3 pieces...omg!!!!bt d first bite was heaven,imagine d 2nd bite?

meninggal.....hahaha...fell in love wif it on d spot...so when baby elfi's sleeping,

i decided to make BAKLAVA.....d outcome was gd......bt d taste is nt d same as

d original.....promised fiqa to buy 4 her a present...economy's down so when cik nong

passed me dis huge box of gorgeous dolls inside....aha!wrap it up and told her its frm mummy...

sorry kakak for lying to you tap ok pe....kids as long as there's

something new,sure happy......waste duit kn beli mainan baru je,then give it

away when nt in use anymore....gave away 1 whole basket full of toys

to my next door neighbour....so nw im recycling back d toys people gave me...

*lol*Yawnzzzz*sleeping time...catch up some other time...

boredom strikes back...

pics frm dinner @ NEBO...fiqa is excited bout tomorrow cause she''ll b celebrating national day

@ school 4 d first time...looking @ my kids innocent faces,makes me wonder if they they hv the slightest thinking bout my problems wif their daddy...they seem so oblivious to everything..

and the worst thing is me having to put up a show that mummy & daddy is doing fine..i do not want them to b affected by our problems but i do feel guilty leading them on rite that...hubby doesn't seem to change...gave him another chance bt he's taking it for granted....so obvious he juz don care.....question on my mind is should dis end?is dis a joke 2 him?will he only change after i leave him?im wondering wats on his mind actually...this is taking a toll on me....like i said...too many questions,too little answers.....

dinner @ NEBO...

went to werk juz nw wif sarah...kecoh gle ah dia...igt da die down skit smenjak jad mak,
tap masih gle2 jgk....hahaha...mothers nwadays juz don act like one rite...ada jgk members pt werk,tk ler boring sgt..klu tk slack seh,boring....yaya pn da tk keje sane lag..
alik werk meet up wif hubby @ fiqa skool...decided 2 go 4 dinner @ NEBO a.m.k hub..
mkn dia ok la..hubby tk suka,prefer fish & co.,will upload d pic at d nxt blog...nari malas ah..
penat...nk sleep rite nw...my baby elfi da sleep soundly...*yawnz*2morow gotta go 2 werk...

tkde benda nk buat...

nari nuthing to do...haiz...wanted to go to my niece sports day,didn't make it...

found out she won in her race,came in first,congrats fina...miss her so much...

been so long since i last saw her...send kakak to school..forced her to go to sleep

psl ada ngaji 2day...klu tk mest dia ngantok tyme ngaji...dia blum dpt hafal pape @ d moment..

but i juz wanted to send her so at least she'll get d basics first...luckily bsk werk,klu tk i'll b damn

bored....hubby trying to change but @ times he forgot his promise...he still flare up over trivial matters...and when i say malas nk berbual lag,dia kata ok2....tk tau la eh....juz hope dat he will

b able to control his temper more...going to sleep nw,can't wait 4 sat to come...mabok smp pag....

bored...

bosan seh nari.....kluar g geylang tad then to toa payoh...

went to check out elfi's baju kurung and his kakak's 2.....still

can't decide on d colour 4 dis year...hubby wanted gold but fiqa wanted

blue....me?undecided...nt in d mood though...juz can't understand kakak nowadays...

throwing tantrums every single minutes....she's been like dis sejak ada adk..

igt da ada adk,will get better..mayb she's jealous..i don noe...can't seem

2 handle her...i still feel guilty bout beating her juz nw...dia masih merajuk ngan me.

told me dat nobody loved her and dat she's goin to nenek na's house,doesn't wan to stay wif me anymore..

how do i make her understand dat i do love her...i noe i've been spending more time wif adk

but i do make time 4 her too..can't blame her though...3 yrs aru dpt adk...
mayb 2morrow lps dia cool down,i'll talk to her again...mummy luv u kakak....

saving a relationship..

seems dat i juz can't let go..or is it bcause i'm nt ready to let dis marriage come to an end....im too used with him by my side...i hate myself for loving him,bt i've decided to gif him this last chance on one condition dat he turn up for the counselling session..i do wan him to change nt juz 4 me bt 4 himself too...mayb d mistakes lies wif both of us...we do really need a third party to save dis marriage..by d way,went for elfi's appointment @ d poly wif him and fiqa..everyting is well wif

elfi...alhamdulillah...after dat we went to toa payoh as he said he wanted to hv breakfast wif us as a family...went to KFC for breakfast...and then we jln2 ard dat area...reach hm @ 3...ya allah,open up my heart for him again...he sticks on me juz like a tattoo....

taking a turn 4 d worse....

cm mane ni?can't get to sleep yesterday...slept @ 3am...had a big fight...im still nt sure wat to do anymore.....so confused,angry,frustrated....why do i feel like leaving him 4 good...tap tk tahu eh if i were 2 gif him another chance,will he really change 4 gd?i noe dat not everybody is perfect but its nt perfect dat im looking 4...i only want him to understand dat i hv feelings too....im nt supposed 2 b treated like dirt....given him too many chances...should dis b d last 1?i do love him and still do but anger is taking over rite nw....i can't bear looking @ my 2 kids...should they suffer bcause of us?or should i juz b d 1 to suffer in silence?its frustrating enuf as it is....sympathy?dats wat my feeling is 4 him rite nw....

happy moments r meant to be memories

feeling so down & out rite nw...nt sure if im taking the rite path...
why does it have to end this way?is it my fault or is it his?
why is it so hard 4 me to say goodbye?will he ever change?
too many questions,too little ans...
Ya Allah,help me get through dis,gif me a sign if wat im doing
is the best 4 me....i don wan to hurt anybody but its agonizing
4 me to bear all dis by myself...does he ever noes?does he ever care?
tears juz can't flow anymore....i can 4give bt juz can't seem to 4get..

hello hello... testing testing....